By Shaianna Dot …. and Auriis …. (aka Špela Tajnić)

A few days ago, after having a thrilling, even mind-blowing aha moment about how energy works, I wrote a short journal entry about it. A while later I thought other Shaumbra might be interested in this aha as well so, after expanding it a little and adding some context, I sent it in to be considered for Shaumbra Magazine. 

After reviewing it, Jean pointed out that it was very short and had no palpable real-life experience to illustrate the point I was trying to make. But, as much as I tried to tie in a personal experience, I couldn’t. I still can’t. 

So, I put it aside, knowing that with time it would become clear and mature into a real story. 

The other morning I was making some changes to my fish tank, rearranging the old aquascape setup by pulling out some plants and putting them in other places, and adding new plants and pebbles. As I was doing this underwater gardening and ”enlightening” my tank with these alterations, the water soon got very murky. A lot of fish poop, uneaten food, dead plant parts, and whatnot was floating all through it, the tiny particles making it densely foggy and milky white. Some plants I couldn’t even see, while others were barely visible and blurry in the fog. Colors were dim, and though my pretty little fish were happily swimming around exploring the new hiding places, their bright shades were only a memory in my mind. The tank was NOT a pretty sight; in fact, all the changes I made to bring lushness and beauty could not be seen at all. It was just horrible, and looked neglected more than anything. After all that work and with no idea what it would look like when the water settled down, I felt uneasy, wondering if I should have left it well enough alone. That feeling of “losing” what was while waiting for the new and unknown to appear, was quite unpleasant and persistent.

Hours went by, but the water just wouldn’t set and go back to crystal clear. I was impatient to see it in all its new glory … or disaster. 

You see, I knew it would clear out, and I knew it would ultimately be beautiful. But during that in-between time of getting rid of the old and waiting for the new to settle in, and with my mistrustful human aspect acting out, I urgently wanted it to clear right now! I even searched on the internet for quick solutions, so desperately impatient I was. Of course, there were no quick fixes, so I just gave in and waited. 

The milky white day ever so slowly turned into the evening hours. The light in my fish tank went off, and the milkiness was not as prominent in the darkness. I went to bed, feeling conflicted. On one hand I had some regrets – why did I even tinker with the aquarium in the first place? – and at the same time I knew that it would be glorious when everything settled down.

When morning came, I rushed down to my living room and beheld … magnificence! That tank full of nasty scum had turned into a lush underwater jungle with crystal clear water and colorful fish swimming around. I was thrilled and excited. It felt amazing!

Gazing at the now beautiful fish tank while sipping my coffee, I realized what a perfect metaphor I was looking at. Sometimes, when a major change happens within, things get murky and yucky as all the dust, parts and pieces are swirling around. It brings a total – but temporary – lack of clarity that is rather uncomfortable. Sometimes we even wish we’d left things as they were, because at that moment of fuzzy confusion the old setup looks pretty good in hindsight. But in reality that temporary murkiness does not mean that the change was not for the better. It just means that there was a huge shift and interference in the system, and everything has to settle down before we can really see the new beauty and flow. And there are no quick fixes; this time of clearing out needs to run its natural course.

Now to my ’aha’ and journal entry about energy. The experience with my fish tank also helped me realize why, at the moment, I can’t expand it into a real story. My internal waters are still murky and everything is still vague, so I will share it below as originally written. 

What I know right now is that this aha changed my overall perception of everything, and it goes beyond just me. I feel it as an all-embracing knowingness that affects all that I am, all my lifetimes, expressions and aspects, and is for now sans definition. It is a game changer in the perception of all my history, but beyond that it is still just a hazy pool. The only difference in cleaning up this internal “selfscape” is that it doesn’t make me feel uneasy like the murky aquascape in my living room did. I know that lush inner clarity is inevitable; I only have to patintly receive and allow.