SHAUMBRA HEARTBEAT
By Jean Tinder
Just a few days before writing this, I participated in a very large family reunion. Yes, another one. In August we got together with my partner’s family, and in September my own family of origin held its very first reunion at my brother’s farm in Minnesota. About 40 people showed up, many of whom I hadn’t seen for at least 35 years. After living in a tightly controlled “self-supporting commune” for almost 20 years, everyone had scattered to the winds.
The thing about communes is that they are rarely a healthy environment, often dominated by an authoritarian leader with delusions of grandeur and abusive tendencies. Our situation was no exception, and my generation of cousins carried plenty of wounds and baggage into life. We had barely kept in touch over the years, so there was both anticipation and trepidation on the way to my brother’s beautiful little farm.
I knew that most of my relatives fit easily (and proudly) into the category of “rednecks and hillbillies,” but it was still jarring to see several bright red caps emblazoned with a political slogan. While I personally wish to support the greatness in ALL of us, I didn’t want to mar the reunion by engaging in political or religious discussions. So, I reminded myself that this was a perfect opportunity to “practice, practice, practice” embodying the kind of love I wrote about last month – open, compassionate, vulnerable presence. Real-life application of a lovely concept can be challenging, but what good is Love 2.0 if I only choose it when it’s easy?
Five days is a long time to be amongst dozens of people whose beliefs are so extremely different from mine. But what I kept noticing was that all of them want the same things I do – love, acceptance, peace, family, safety, generosity, even personal growth. I saw so much goodness in these people. Even those I’d written off as cruel idiots had become open-hearted and kind, sharing realizations about their past behaviors and the long journey toward healing. The patriarch of the tribe is long gone but, more importantly, his painful legacy is slowly being dissolved by those he hurt the most. It’s as if there’s an unspoken collective choice to stop hiding, acknowledge the past injuries, and move beyond pain and shame into wholeness.
Amazingly, none of the conversations had anything to do with assigning blame. Instead, it was about recognizing the ugly things that happened and reaffirming that the old patterns stop with us. Everyone was on their own unique journey, but ALL of us were choosing love – and that astonished me. There was regret, of course, but very little bitterness, and a lot of self-forgiveness for perpetuating the traumas before we knew better. In other words, this is a whole tribe of humans learning new ways to be that don’t pass on the ancestral wounds and karma. They probably wouldn’t use those words, but it’s what I saw on many levels.
It was beautiful to realize that this evolution of consciousness – the choice to heal the wounds instead of passing them down the line – is the result of our light. My relatives may not share my progressive political views, but I see their progress anyway because ALL consciousness is expanding.
Yes, I still have to remind myself to practice, practice, practice when my social media feed includes more fearful stuff than it used to due to the new connections. It’s easy for their fear to trigger my own anxiety about the future. But if one of the most horrid people from my childhood can turn himself into a kind and compassionate man who’s now helping others heal, it’s a little easier to imagine a bright future regardless of how the politics turn out. Of course, I wonder if humanity will collectively choose healing now or if we have to go through even more suffering and division first. That remains to be seen, but me picking a side doesn’t help the situation. Rather, I can help by returning to the light of love, over and over again. With enough light people can see and choose what they actually want instead of fearing everything they don’t want.
All that light helps me too. In fact, I understand a little better what Adamus means when he says to receive our own light first and then shine it to the world. It’s not about controlling or directing our light so much as allowing it to illuminate our own experiences.
On the final day of the reunion, I had already heard several religious monologues as the more devout ones tried to save the doubters. One particular spiel was all about our vileness and innate depravity, along with the evils of self-worth, and I just had to walk away. Sometimes loving myself means taking a little space to breathe and let go. But something inside had been triggered. I felt antsy and ready to leave, glad to be returning home that evening. The next day, trying to catch up on work, I felt distracted by nagging unfocused anxiety, and looking through the reunion photos made it even worse. A sleeping aspect had apparently been poked; it was time to find and bring her home.
Writing in my journal is the easiest way to communicate with me, my Self, and my aspects, so that’s where I went. Soon, I recognized the voice of a child who’d been taught she was an ugly, worthless sinner, and the time with family had helpfully exposed the fact that she was still stuck in those beliefs. “See?” she wrote. “I’m still ugly and hopelessly wrong. No matter how nice or helpful I try to be, no matter how hard I work, nothing can cure the shame of my innate wretchedness.”
A side note: I remembered that back in those days, the only comfort she had was food, scarce as it was, which thankfully explained my sudden ravenous desire to eat everything in sight! She was awake and in panic mode, desperately trying not to feel the yuck.
Now that I understood and acknowledged the pain this child self was still stuck in, I knew exactly what to do. No healing necessary, only love. Yes, she had some very difficult years, but because of my light, she’s ready to leave it all behind. The memories and conversations with family helped her wake up and look for home; the wisdom of my Self knew that I only needed to be present, willing to feel her pain, frustration and tears without judgment or blame. That’s all it took.
The next day, I felt fresh and soft inside. Where before there had been a hidden place of brittle darkness, now it felt gentle, full, at peace.
My own light reminds me that all is well in my creations, even when I’m triggered, or something hurts. It reminds me to be present and embody love, not to change what I’m feeling but to be with it. The natural transformation will happen whenever it’s ready; I only need to allow.
My light also helps me remember that all is well in the world, even when people have vastly different beliefs and self-awareness. While I saw in those of my generation an amazing resilience and love, those in the previous generation were just happy to see everybody again. Their evolution may happen in another lifetime, but even staying in the ancestral line will provide a tremendous amount of evolution and renewal, because their children (and future ancestors) are doing it right now.
Sometimes choosing to embody love isn’t easy, but I’m seeing glimpses of how it can change the world. Even though I spent five days with some of the culprits of my childhood torment, love has no need for vengeance or blame. It only requires that I am present, first with myself and then with everyone in my world, and that creates the planet of love we long for. The messages in Metaphysics of the Merlin ignited my imagination for this new world of peace and joy that’s just around the corner, and I can feel it birthing regardless of politics, fears, or catastrophes. How do I know it’s happening? Because I myself am beginning to live in this new world by embodying the presence of love.
Yes, it takes practice, an ongoing choice to be love in each moment. But that practice is like learning to throw a lasso at a moving target. My aim gets better every time, until I can pull it right in instead of chasing around the farm in frustration. The farm is my life, the lasso is my imagination, the target is love and I’m never letting go.
After reading last month’s Shaumbra Heartbeat, someone sent me the English translation of
Was es ist by Erich Fried.
I couldn’t have said it better.
It Is What It is
It is nonsense
says reason
It is what it is
says love
It is calamity
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is hopeless
says insight
It is what it is
says love
It is ludicrous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love
Jean,
Thank you for this gift of light and wisdom.
Thank you Jean for this deep and very applicable wisdom.
Dearest Jean,
Ever since I found Crimson Circle a couple years ago, I felt an immediate connection with you, not only because of a similar relgious past, but also because of the articulate and genuine way you have of communicating through your growing pains. Your article was very inspiring and I can relate to your commitment to focus on what is truly impotant and transforming. Thanks for consistently sharing your beautiful wisdom.
Thank you….thank you…..thank you❤️❤️❤️
Dear Jean, I always so appreciate your real life experiences and applied Shaumbra wisdom. Thank you so much, love, Christa
Nice article Jean, again! I am so so happy for you and for ALL of us! Thank you for sharing your experiences! One Love!
Another great personal story, Jean, about self-love and how it changes the past, present and future. Thanks!
❤
Thank you ❤️
Your article came at the perfect time for me. I have been feeling deeply sad for months, feeling into it but it still hurting. Your insight, wisdom and kind encouragement inspired me to go deeper in understanding and love without judgement. What a relief to feel peace and gentle love for my little child who was so ready to leave it all behind. Thank you, Jean. I am so grateful for you.
Thank you for your poignant words. It brought me back to my own self inquiry that I opened up to this morning.
Bravo Jean
Delightful, dear friend!
Thank you Jean for the “new” perspective❣️
Nailed it, as always! Thank you.
Thank you again Jean. Your articles always seem to come for me at the right time.
Family and friends gatherings are a great help in harvesting through our wisdom, love, compassion, kindness, as well as seeing what is still hidden as a treasure that we could not see. But there is our light, as you say, dear Jean, illuminating everything. You inspire a lot of awareness through your writings in the magazine.
Thank you
You are such a standard, Jean! with your clear, down to earth, open and honest approach to life. I so enjoy your accounts, perspective and wisdom 🙏❤️✨🌈
Thank you, thank you & thank you for your light illuminating my/our moments of realization.
So much courage you dare, it encourages me/us so so much.
I believe in the bright future, fantastic creations Jami tells us about 2044 & beyond, too, despite the realities of 2024, somehow it’s just believable like a sure thing. Amael.
I was so glad to read your article, Jean. Right what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your clarity.
Kim
Multumesc draga Jane!
Thankyou Jean for painting such a clear picture of Love 2.0. Loved this!!
Once again, I stand in joyous gratitude for the beauty of you, and your ability to put “shoes” on the vast wisdom that you bring. My heart overflows.
HERMOSO!!!!! Millón de gracias Jean