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The Black Bull
By Natalia Gabriela Cisowska
A few months ago I went to the mountains alone for a hike, choosing a secluded trail to spend time with myself, away from the noise and distractions of the world.
I didn’t hurry that morning and the day unfolded in a gentle way. After a few hours of hiking, I finally reached the peak. I laid on the grass, soaking in the warmth of the sun. Alone at the top of the mountain, I felt serene and deeply connected with myself.
As the afternoon sun began to sink, it was time to head back down, descending through open fields to reach the road that led to the parking lot. It was still a long walk, but after the peaceful day, I felt calm and at ease. Then, something caught my eye.
Far on the other side of the field – almost invisible in the growing dusk – was a black bull. It stood motionless for a moment, framed by the shadows of the forest behind it. And then, suddenly, the bull started running toward me, its roar breaking the stillness like thunder.
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A surge of fear shot through me as I stepped backward, but soon there was nowhere else to go. I froze, paralyzed, as the bull came closer and closer, my heart pounding so loudly I could hardly breathe. This is it, I thought. I’m going to die here.
There were a few people not far away, but they didn’t react. It was as if the bull and I were invisible – caught in a space that only we shared. I wanted to scream, but no sound came out. My whole body was trembling.
And then, just when it was only a few steps away, the bull suddenly turned to the side and walked calmly onto the forest path. I stood there, unable to move for several moments. Slowly, my body began to unfreeze, the shock still pulsing through me as a wave of relief mixed with disbelief.
Finally pulling myself together, I noticed there were two ways to go: one path led through the forest where the bull had disappeared, and the other followed the open road. The paths were separated by a dense line of trees.
I hesitated, thinking about what had just happened, then decided to take the road. It felt safer – I didn’t want to risk meeting the bull again. So I continued walking on the path, still feeling terrified inside. I only wanted to get out of there.
Suddenly, something unexpected happened. Out of the forest, right in front of me, came the same black bull!
What the hell! I was shaking and scared to death. What would happen now?
But then I realized that something in the expression of that bull had changed. Its gaze became soft, almost gentle, as it looked straight into my eyes. Beneath all my fear, I somehow felt that this time there was no more danger.
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I met its gaze, steady and present, and after a moment, the bull simply turned around and walked away.
I stood there for a while, watching it disappear into the distance, then took a deep breath and continued toward the car. I never saw the bull again.
When I got home that evening, I sat in silence for a long while, the images of the bull replaying in my mind. It had felt so vivid, so full of intensity, yet somehow also otherworldly. I didn’t fully understand what it meant, but I trusted that, if there was meaning to be found, it would reveal itself in time.
Months passed and there were a few moments when I thought I had some clarity about this experience. But the insights were only mental, constructs of the mind that didn’t truly resonate, so I let them go. Life continued, and the memory of the bull faded into the background.
Until one day, something clicked within me and the puzzle pieces came together. The Aha! moment happened while I was watching the Rude Awakening documentary.
There was a scene that touched me profoundly. Jonathan met his dark aspect – one filled with anger that was trying to belittle him. Yet Jonathan simply stood in his Presence, in his Light, facing it and looking directly into its eyes, just observing without getting entangled.
Eventually, this aspect changed into a little boy who came to him for a hug. They shared a moment of embrace and compassion until the aspect dissolved completely, finally at peace.
In that moment I encountered my mother – the Bully.
I paused the video and dived deep within, while remaining fully present.
For the first time I could truly see her beyond her behaviors. Beneath the cruelty, I saw a little wounded child who just wanted to be loved. There was a softness in that. Suddenly a wave of compassion streamed through, filling me completely.
I could finally look at her with full acceptance and without any resistance. In that moment I wasn’t afraid of her anymore, and all the emotions – fear, anger, rage and hatred – began to fade away. Tears kept streaming down my cheeks as so much was released.
It was such a relief. There was a feeling of lightness and freedom. It became very clear to me that I was never a victim. It was simply a matter of perspective. The mind cannot force this shift. It has to be allowed and felt, and it happens when the time is right.
