By Marina Stoilov (Izarah)
“Ahh,” the Master took a deep breath as she leaned back in her favorite chair. A twinkle sparked in her eyes as she felt her aspects jump with joy and line up to stage yet another play about her last lifetime. She enjoyed these times when the aspects showed off their creativity to entertain her, and this was one of her favorite stories.
“In the far, far future, humans might have everything done for them by computers and they might not even need to move from their chairs. Eventually their limbs might atrophy, and they could evolve to be just a brain sitting in a crystal glass hooked into computers. And even further down the road, the brain in the crystal glass might become non-physical and disappear altogether!” Mimi’s young eyes widened. Her father’s words struck a chord, and from that moment on, she couldn’t stop thinking about this. Something had been stirring within her, which was the reason she was having this conversation with her dad. To be pure energy without a material body felt familiar, exciting, and so natural.
Mimi was a curious 5-year old, living an idyllic life and doted on by her parents and grandparents. She loved daydreaming, especially in the grass under the trees, comforted by the scents of sun-warmed herbs, and soothed by the birds, insects, and frogs who sang their songs to her every day. Then one day, this daydreaming life was interrupted by kindergarten. Mimi wanted to play with the other children in kindergarten but somehow couldn’t understand them when they talked to her. She realized that there was something wrong but couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, so she kept it to herself. But the magic of childhood was trickling away. When school started, her teacher was the first to notice that Mimi had trouble hearing. Mimi finally understood what had been wrong, and now it seemed as if a dark cloud descended over her. She felt that this cloud was there to stay.
Mimi was fitted with a hearing aid and her parents had her thick, long hair cut off so she could hear better. Suddenly she looked and felt like a boy. Her sister was born around the same time, and her family stopped calling her Mimi. Out of the blue, Mimi was Marina, the big sister. When the teacher had her change desks so she wouldn’t chat with her best friend during class, it felt like the final straw. Marina got angry. She was angry at God for what was happening to her. But God wasn’t around so she blamed her parents, even for giving birth to her! The only relief was her books. Every moment spent daydreaming with a book was ecstasy and every moment away from reading was agony. Soon she needed glasses too.
What felt like the final straw was followed by another straw and another and another. Marina started to have migraines because of the strain to hear in school. In university things finally lightened up for a time. The peer pressure of high school was replaced by a degree of independence, which felt magical and freeing. Soon, university was followed by chiropractic school and life intensified again.
Through it all was the loneliness. The hearing impairment made her feel as if she was trapped behind a glass wall, unable to be heard or seen by others. And there was always the deep longing for peace and joy, a longing that kept her searching. Marina studied in an anonymous secret order for eight years, only to begin feeling that she had completed these studies in another life. It was time to stand on her own, and that’s when she discovered Kryon. The channeled words of the “Magnetic Master” gave her a taste of the peace and joy for which she longed but left her with even more questions. Kryon talked about being your own Master, but he had never been human.
One afternoon in the late fall, she went for a run and sat down at the riverbank to rest. Lulled by the sound of the flowing water, she noticed a golden tree leaf floating down the stream. In that moment, she experienced an epiphany. Like the leaf, she was floating down the river of life. Even if she was afraid because the journey was scary at times, the current was carrying her downstream to her soul. Nothing mattered more to her than coming Home to her soul.
After completing her studies, graduation was a moment of pride and joy. But, around the same time, Marina started having mysterious health symptoms. The sheer demand of keeping up in school with profound hearing loss had taken a toll. A brief hiatus came when she fell in love, but soon relationship stress and career stress added to the toll and the symptoms worsened. Not long after finding Kryon, Marina found the Crimson Circle. The Ascended Masters Tobias and Kuthumi answered her questions about being one’s own Master, but they also left her mind reeling with even more questions.
When Ascended Master St. Germain presided at one of the monthly sessions, his energy felt very familiar. She knew her soul had studied with this teacher, and it was him that she had been looking for ever since. Then, five years later, Marina allowed yet again and disconnected from the Crimson Circle. The rest of the answers would come from within. Four more years passed as her health symptoms kept increasing. But she wanted to enjoy life and, following her intuition, tried various energy treatments, and healing foods and herbs.
“Tap-tap-tap-tap” pattered the rain with a crisp sound onto her umbrella as she walked home one quiet winter evening. Marina yearned to be free of the pain in her body. “I Am that I Am” she whispered several times, the dark street lit by the golden glow of lamps. She turned a corner and stopped. “I Am that I Am” she said in a louder voice in the empty street. In that moment she saw herself in other bodies – a different woman with a different voice, an old man with an old voice – and yet it was still her, still the same I Am. The voice belonged to her body but did not define her. She realized she was the I Am, beyond definition, beyond separation. It was Valentine’s Day – St. Germain’s day.
Two years later Marina asked her soul to either help her or take her Home. Soon after, she found a book called Medical Medium, in which a medium, Anthony William, channels the Spirit of Compassion. It talked about healing foods and herbs – the foods and herbs she ate as a child, blissfully reading in the grass, surrounded by the plants growing in her grandparents’ gardens. She felt renewed inspiration and began to apply the wisdom offered in the book, and a year later, experienced a quantum leap of improvement. Even though she was still mostly bedridden, she no longer felt “one foot in the grave.”
Three years passed with some improvement, and Marina enjoyed retracing every step of her journey and re-reading the different teachers who had helped her along the way, ending with the Crimson Circle. She read all the Crimson Circle books and re-read the Shouds with even deeper appreciation. “I give up,” she said to her mother one afternoon, after realizing she was in too much pain to take her professional exam. “I’ll stick around for as long as I can, but only because this is the first time I am experiencing life after completely letting go.” She felt a heaviness fall away and give place to a lightness, both mental and physical. When she woke up the next morning, the lightness had increased, and the next morning, and the next, and soon it took on the intensity of euphoria. Marina realized her Realization had been quietly sneaking up on her.
In the next few months, the pain in her body increased again and new symptoms started. And another four years passed, again as if in the blink of an eye. Time had long lost its meaning for her. There was no future except the present moment and the past was right here with her, happening right now, more real and more sacred than ever. She had gotten used to the lightness and now felt quiet peace and joy, regardless of what her body was doing. The lightness had opened up a state of empty spaciousness within, that had previously been filled with her burdens, aspirations and expectations.
Now that she was no longer trying to get “somewhere” or even get anything done, Marina had the space and time to enjoy the little things of life more than ever. Every sight, the smell and taste of food, the feel of touch – it was all more sensual than ever because no burdens or goals took her attention anymore. She could be fully present to enjoy everything. The moments that in the past had made her heart ache because their beauty was so fleeting, now deepened her joy because she finally knew they were not fleeting; they were all right here with her. The pain was still there and so was the peace and the joy, and what made it all exciting for Marina – and made her want to stay alive – was the ever deepening love and trust she felt for herself.
The Master closed her eyes. The stories of her last life, with its absurdly tragicomic level of brutality, relentlessness, and unspeakable beauty, were her favorite. Few things made her laugh more. “Ahh,” she took another deep breath of satisfaction as the aspects settled and readied themselves to take a nap with her.