Why am I so afraid of being who I really am?
DEAR MASTER, WHY DO I KEEP HOLDING BACK?
Compiled by Carolina Oquendo
Q – Dear Master, I’ve got a relentless little voice inside that insists I need to blend in and be the quiet mouse in the corner to get through life. I try to play it safe and keep my opinions in check so that people will like me, but then it feels like I’m juggling fragile vases that might crash at any moment. Why am I so afraid of being who I really am?
You’re hiding. You’re afraid. Your past experience tells you that you’re going to get put down when you create. So, you go into a kind of just low-level creation mode. You don’t want to stand up too tall in front of a crowd. You don’t want to stand out among other humans, because you might get put down.
If you get put down, remember, it’s just energy. Just suck it in, breathe it in – it’s just energy. Criticism – it’s a wonderful thing. You should have criticism for breakfast. Take it in; it’s just energy.
You tried to be a chameleon. You tried to adapt to these ways that you know aren’t right, at least not for what you want in your life. You’ve tried to adjust. You’ve tried to be invisible. Even though it’s a lion that’s roaring, you’ve learned how to suppress it. You learned how to put it down, turn it into a kitty cat at best. And then say that you’re spiritual, say that you want enlightenment, when all the time, you end up focusing on things like abundance and partners and your damn health and everything else.
Q – I know what you mean, and I feel it right here in my gut. But somehow it still feels like I’m pushing against a glass wall that doesn’t budge. How do I break it? How do I let it out?
In the past, I used to literally take students, grab them by their hair and yank them down, putting their head underwater until they were about to have the last breath in this lifetime.
Then, I’d pull their head up from the water and ask, ‘What was that like to want that breath so desperately? That’s the only thing that mattered, didn’t it?’ And they would say, ‘Yes, that’s all that mattered. I could think of nothing else. Only to breathe so that I may live.’ To which I said, ‘Now, you’re beginning, at the very beginning of understanding.’ That’s where the deep roaring fire from within is, where nothing else matters.”
[Now] I just ask you to take a good deep breath and feel into that. Let it come forth.
Just say: “I give myself permission to say exactly and to be exactly who I am. I give myself permission to do that without all these suppressors and controls on myself, without this whole perception of having to control.”
Yell at the top of your lungs at the moon, to tell God to fuck off. You have the permission to do that, and it feels good just to know you have that. Chances are once you realize that, you’ll probably never have to do it or want to do it. But just to realize.
Start being real. Start being free.
But sometimes you have so much pent up in you. Trying to do the right thing, trying to keep other people happy, and it’s all crap.
Q – Master, I understand – I FEEL – everything you’re saying, and I’ve done it. I’ve said a million times that I allow myself, and that I want to break free. But then, I go back to my old ways as if nothing had happened.
I can feel you want to break through. There’s such a longing to break through, such a longing for realization and simplicity.
But then you run in circles. You think about it. You dilute it. You water it down. You compromise it. Then you get afraid of things like are you going to get older? Are you going to die? Are you going to be poor? It doesn’t matter!”
Q – What do you mean it doesn’t matter?! What if I lose everything?
You’re going to lose everything unless you take a deep breath and you let this raging fire that’s within you come forth.
So what if you lose everything. And you know what? You don’t have to. You just have to be willing to. It doesn’t mean you’re going to. You just have to be willing to.
Nothing matters other than [your Realization]. Not family, not life itself, not health. Nothing. That is when you start to get real with yourself.